


A Most Perilous Rescue

by Tish



Category: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Historical Inaccuracy, Innuendo, M/M, Mayhem, Peril, big swords, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29267472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tish/pseuds/Tish
Summary: Brave Sir Lancelot bravely and sexily rescues Prince Herbert, fending off all sorts of peril.
Relationships: Prince Herbert (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)/Lancelot du Lac
Comments: 9
Kudos: 22
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 6





	1. The Ballad of Lancelot and Herbert

**Author's Note:**

  * For [saturni_stellis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturni_stellis/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lancelot falls in love and is totally not gay.

It took a few moments for the words to sink in, for Lancelot was so enamoured by the beauty radiating from the princess standing before him. The morning sun shining through her window set a halo of golden light around her hair, lighting up the shades of mousey brown and setting off sparkles upon her simple, but elegant dress.

“I said...”

Her voice was like music in his ears as Lancelot knelt before her and blinked in the shimmering light. Somewhere in the forest, swallows* slammed themselves against trees in despair, weeping that they'd never match such dulcet tones.

“Hello? Can you hear me, good sir knight?”

Sir Lancelot blinked again, shaking his head to clear it. _Be ever vigilant for peril_ , he silently commanded himself. “Oh, right. Fair maiden, I have come to rescue you!”

“Ohh, lovely!” The beautiful princess trilled. “I've got me bag packed and everything!”

Quickly rising, Lancelot crossed the room with two strides of his long legs. “Nay, my lady. Let nothing be a burden for you, not whilst I live and serve.” With that, he hefted the huge bag and slung it over his shoulder, holding out a hand to Herbert. “Now, we must flee before reinforcements arrive. Behind me at all times, my princess.”

“I wish you'd call me Herbert,” Herbet said as he snuggled up behind Lancelot, one arm settling around Lancelot's waist.

“Beware my sword, Princess,” Lancelot blinked again in confusion as he led the way. “Princess _Erbert_.”

“It's so big and long and hard,” Herbert breathed.

^@^

Two minutes (and rather a lot of dead guards) later, Lancelot and Herbert emerged from the castle gate.

“I'm free!” Herbert squealed, jumping up and down on the spot.

As Herbert bounced around before him, Lancelot scanned the area for sudden outbreaks of peril, only to be caught off guard as Herbert caught him with a kiss at the peak of a bounce. Valiantly saving himself from swooning, Lancelot swept Herbert up in his arms. “Quickly now! We must away!”

His sword held erect in front of him, Sir Lancelot's legs were like pistons (which hadn't been invented yet, sorry for the historical inaccuracy) as he ran away (bravely). Herbert planted kisses along one side of Lancelot's face as he clung on for dear life, utterly chuffed to bits at being rescued, and by such a handsome and virile knight at that!

^@^

It seemed that Lancelot had run for hours and ~~knight~~ night was drawing in, enveloping the forest in an eerie green glow. Herbert had nearly fallen asleep, rousing as Lancelot set him down on a bed of moss.

“We shall be safe here, my beautiful Erbert,” Lancelot whispered as he rummaged around under his bloodied tunic.

Herbert stared as the chainmail tinkled softly and a long, thick length emerged from Lancelot's crotch.

Lancelot proffered the end to Herbert. “I managed to swipe a sausage from the banquet table, my Erbert.”

Herbert fell greedily upon the sausage, cramming it into his mouth and rolling his tongue around the thickness. His hand moved sensuously along the length, moaning with ecstasy as he devoured it.

“You shall not want for such delights, beloved Erbert,” Lancelot said with reverence. “Carrots, cucumbers, and all the sausages you wish shall pass through those ruby lips.”

Eyes starting to glaze over, Herbert licked his lips as he finished off the sausage. “I'm still 'ungry.”

“Alas, that was all I could get a hold of,” Lancelot said apologetically.

“I don't mean that,” Herbert said, suddenly lunging for Lancelot's ~~sausage~~ ~~sword~~ penis. “Make love to me!”

Lancelot hadn't anticipated such a perilous attack, crying out in surprise and alarm, “My lady! Arrrrrrrrrgh!”

As the sounds of what appeared to be a terrible and highly perilous battle (but was actually Herbert singing through seventeen orgasms) filtered through the forest, an ~~old man~~ ~~man~~ Dennis nodded to himself in his mud-house. “Bloody rabbit's got another one.”


	2. The Ode of Sir Not Appearing in this Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Herein lies the The Ode of Sir Not Appearing in this Fic, whose voice was like swallows* singing, whose prose was like a rose, and whose appearance was unknown.

[Dear Chocolate Box mod, this chapter is coming and WILL be here once reveals happen.

Promise!]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Writer of this chapter was thrown into the Gorge of Eternal Peril for not knowing whether the swallows were African or European.  
> The Writer was replaced, but had to go find a shrubbery.  
> The replacement Writer to the second Writer was found to be 76,000 Battery llamas from "LLAMA-FRESH" Farms near Paraguay.  
> The replacement Writer to the ~~fifth~~ third Writer got arrested, but will endeavour to finish the chapter once they work out how to get the police blanket off their head.
> 
> Sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> * European AND African swallows.


End file.
